What a difference a day made~

after 4 months.

2006-06-04T07:13:00.000-07:00

hi people.
im finally back because I was kinda worried I would forget my blogger password.
plus i want to put up my wishlist, heh heh.

Category A : CDs / Books
I'm flooded with books from miss d but i think she has cultivated in me a love for reading so here goes:

Books
1) Memoirs of a Geisha
2) The Case for Christ/ Faith, Lee Strobel
3)Joy of a Christian, CS. Lewis
4) Books by Jimmy
5) Books about Traditional Chinese Medicine

CDs
1)Corrine May (compilation)
2)Newest Hillsong 'live worship' cd
3)赞美之泉

Category B: Digital Products
1)MP3!!!! - Creativ 1GB. (support local products heh)
-colour scheme: purple, orange, green? im fine with almost all colours.
- price range : beloww 200 bucks

i shan't add on to the list cos i have to study for econs retest tomorrow. so long guys.

PS. I'm happy today because a friend came to church :) claps. sad today cos a friend is gg to leave me :( But happy things - sad things today =positive so i'm still happy :D

happie dae~

2006-01-20T22:07:00.000-08:00

picture by Anne Gedes. www.williamtorkington.com

happie dae~

just had a haircut with tian at HAIRLAW say, two hours ago.. hehex, my hair didn't undergo too much snipping lah, in case you are thinking : 'what, Cheryl still got hair to cut meh?' Cut my fringe which was simply irri-tating and the hairdresser snipped off some ugly ends.. its much more neater now :) Tian's hair is quite stylish.. The lady boss cut for her leh~ I think I've had that special privilege only once or twice cos she's usually not around.. But I like the auntie who always cuts hair for me lah. She is really nice and friendly.

Plus the fact that I was only charged 10 bucks despite the price rise because of CNY.. yays~ I am suddenly reminded of ‘人情味’in last year's 黄城夜韵。(I hope i got the play title right) The salon is really a place one can look forward too if the service is good and the hairdressers are warmhearted... And they played a CD compilation with many many songs that I like :'Heart of worship, pour my love on you'.. While waiting for my turn I was humming away and reading a Christian magazine that the lady boss subscribes to :)

Read an article in the magazine. It describes how we no longer seem to hunger or thirst for anything when our wants are easily accessible and satisfied. Despite this, none or most of us feel contented with what we have because they are not essential to our emotional and spiritual health.. 'Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled' (Matthew 5:6) The writer stated that ' Righteousness is the right living that comes out of your desire for God. To hunger or thirst for righteousness is to desire His presence more than anything else'

I think its quite true, because when we desire for God, we will want to be pleasing to Him. Wanting to please Him will draw us to understand His likes and dislikes better.. Knowing God's all goodness and His desire for us to be good will lead us to righteousness.. Thats what I think lah. haha :P

Recently I'm quite glad that I'm spending a lot more time with God.. Even though my workload is heavier than ever. Somehow, when we honour God, God will honour us and give us the grace of everything else we need. Including time. :)

Today was not all joyful though. This morning I awoke to hear my father coughing badly.. He went back to sleep, then I started to kneel down and pray for him.. Was a little apprehensive that he would wake up to see me doing that but, didn't care eventually and just prayed. And..

when I was done, he said :' 好啦。’I was like, 'huh?' Pa replied '祈祷完了啊'
I mumbled a yes, grabbed my book and left the room.. The minute I reached out for my book and turned my back against him I wanted to cry le.. Don't know why. just.. cried.. I think he saw tht my eyes were teary..

Hmm. but, its still a good day. At least I can finally stay at home and spend time with my parents, esp my father who is always on night shift..

2006-01-19T03:52:00.000-08:00

南初 《我们的白云岗》 会歌

伫立在阳光下抬头仰望那蔚蓝的天空
我们的家就在白云上
就在云岗上

青青翠绿的园地充满着欢笑和温情
友谊的花朵正不停地绽放
不停地成长

我们这里成长这是我们的地方
我们的白云岗

白云岗上的儿女紧握彼此的双手
并肩朝向前方拥有着每一天

白云岗上的儿女唱着自己的歌曲
唱着希望延续生命
创造每一天

note: don't rip this song and publish it elsewhere! Nanyang JC. All rights reserved :)

You have made me glad

2006-01-13T06:50:00.000-08:00

You have made me glad

I'm really grateful for today and for all that has happened *big grins*

But I know I must be done with this blog entry in 8 min time because there are soe many other important things to do!!! I want to do my reading and have cca stuff to settle (esp for upcoming cca orientation and byg planning). Do I have to mention assignments at all? haha

But am really so happy today~ For the first time I felt that we had a purposeful cca meeting. like aww that sounds so trivial. but hey, to be honest, Ive never fel this way before. Everybody was contibuting and being decisive.

We have 7 weeks to Bai Yun Gang. That sounds as big as any major examination to me! But the excitement far exceeds the fear and i know its gonna be a driving force for me.

We had lep orientation today. Some of the j1s are really so cocky!! But thinking back, I was once as critical, if not worse. But on the whole, I think everybody did a good job. Hope the j1s had a good time though.. Well if anybody is displeased about today I can only say that its too difficult to please everyone. :) So be glad anyways.

Relinked prissy and jeanie and i hope to recover all my old links. tata

2006-01-12T01:45:00.000-08:00

But I must say:
Heal him completely oh Lord. Hold him in your protection. I decalre in faith that he will be set free from any pain or false strongholds. He will emerge victorious because he has You, almighty God.

2006-01-12T01:36:00.000-08:00

I need to be free

Thank You God. for pulling me away time and again. I now have a slightest idea what it means for our deeds to be like rags;incomparable to Your goodness. Help, Lord. help!
its really quite scary. I had not really meant to say that. But it came true.
I can't help but say 'SHUT UP!' to the devil.

Guard our hearts and minds in Jesus Christ.
Help me to be still pure and contrite before You.
The devil shall be powerless.
Dear Lord...
I know this is in Your hands. Let every trace of disbelief and every sort of opposing spirit be driven out in Your mighty name.
Amen

2006-01-07T05:44:00.000-08:00

Thorns

spite jealousy selfishness dislike -- they all prick a lot.
I just feel so mean.
I think Im so so mean I'm beginning to feel nauseous whenever I think of it.
Help me, dear Lord.
Shape my heart into the way you want it to be.
Help me to see your goodness in each and every one.
For your creation is truly beautiful.
Help me to rest queitly in your presence.
Contented and loved.
In Jesus' precious name, make me your loving daughter
Amen.

2005-12-29T19:32:00.000-08:00

昨日的影子

在你离开的世界里沉浮
这里的夜空有淡淡的忧伤
是否歌曲里的主角
也选择继续昏睡
是否当时的你
也尽力忘却谁

当过去的承诺已太多
再也不知道
手里握着的是什么

该怎么终止
迷惑
何时能开始

无能为力

我将一切交托予你
静静的等待
你给的答案

当你的承诺实现
终于明了
掌心里头的，是温暖

在你建筑的世界里栖息
这里的星星
对我微微的，笑了
当昨日的影子不再是负担
他伴随我，与你亲近
希望此刻的你
很幸福

很幸福

*以上的文字中的‘你’有双重身份，你猜得出来吗？*

2005-12-29T06:53:00.000-08:00

i love my friends=)

this is awfully late heh. im very very sorry if i will end up missing out on anyone.

first to my xiaoyuan honey~ im sorry u had to search for your name but end up not finding it oOpS. heh.

Xiaoyuan: Hey you're first on the list for friends. How's that? :p Thank you for firstly inspiring me to start this whole thing :) and making me realize how nice it feels to be thanked for and how even nicer it is when you thank others. haha. Thank you for always being so sweet. I love your smile and i'm so glad u opened the door to this friendship :)

Jocelin: Banana zu zhang! Miss those days in beijing. Beibei, jingjing, huanhuan, yingying, nini!!!!
Ahh we ae such die hard fans o'er them :) Thank u for being a fellow fan :P and a great leader.

Xiaoying: Thank you for being you! hahas. you're so funny at times and I found that you're really a nice girl :) Thank you for believing there's a good side of me :P

Eu-ni-si: Heys thank you for being so sensitive to tiam's needs I need to learn from you really. haha. And really happie we're friends now after o2. haha

Jian kai: Thank you son for being so comical. haha. nah, glad that we now know each other slightly better after a gap of 5 years lol.

Liu zhen: Thank you for the air conditioning. the smses do chill the atmosphere quite a bit.

I suddenly dunno who else to thank. og gosh. is my circle of freinds that small?! i guess im just kinda brain dead. haha.

God: Dear God, thank you for leading me closer to you each day and guiding me along my days patiently. Father I'm so glad that You changed things to the way they are now. Thank you for loving me and not giving up on me in spite of everything. Dear Lord thank you for your amazing healing that has come upon my heart and spirit. Father I just want to thank You for all the times u've given me and all the friends you've given me :) I pray that Your presence will fill the hearts of my family and let them know that You alone are truly great! I love you dear Lord. Thank You in Jesus' precious name,

Amen.

2005-12-29T06:01:00.000-08:00

Shudders~

I'm sorry I have to postpone the entry of thanking my friends, but I suppose not many ppl read my blog anyway :p since its been hibernating for so long, most of my readers would have expected it to continue the way it was--- outdated.

anyway its a pretty good day on the whole for me. Cuz i did part of my lep proj in school plus we had a fruitful meeting with the designer for bai yun gang 06's poster and stuff PLUS I bought a pair of heels, well wedge(is that how u spell it?) in fact PLUS I am sure that God just told me something.

We spent 2hrs in the drum attempting at the lep proj work. It was freezingly cold esp after we got back from the loo. And gosh I had bad diarrhoea(i sincerely hope u are not eating anything as u read this). Whats worse one of the staff in the library screamed at us when she saw a pack of cookies and snapped at me to switch off the music. I don't understand. Why can't she just try to speak nicely for once? It doesn't help by worsening our impression of her; she's adding a few more wrinkles to her own face anyway. Sheesh was quite annoyed by her sudden outburst.

Then we went j8 after that, and waited for the bus for soO loong~ But hey, twice today I prayed to God about the bus 58 coming after I'd finished doing something and twice it came true! hahas its so amusing and amazing :) The first time i said;let bus 58 come after i'm done eating the Mars ball. And it came after i threw the wrapper. The 2nd time I was listening to Corrine May's song and I said let the bus come after the song ends. And it came true again! hahaz lame but well, it did actually happen ye noe.

We agreed to tuck in first then go shpping after the ccs exco meeting. Ended up in the foodcourt and had prata! Its quite ex~ the prata with sausage was like, 2.50 per pc? I didn't know a few slices of sausage would cost 1.50. madness~ But I ordered it anyway and it tasted GoOd~ Plus there was curry:) hahaz i had prata without curry yesterday and I was so disappointed when my pa came back without the curry. How can one possibly enjoy prata without curry?! Outrageously impossible unthinkable unimaginable! But my mum and sis do just that. Mebe I'm the freak of the family.

Then we had a long long conversation with the designer. So paiseh had to make poor lishi and yinghui wait. They almost went off without us cos they were just too worn out. but thankfully they didn't. And I bought my shoes for next yr's CNY:) So nice. haha. its 32 bucks at charles & keith. A little hefty for the poor me but I couldn't help buying it. ahaha. saw another pair that's slightly shorter. nice too but the wedge is nicer. heex.

went home and im glad mum agreed that the shoes are nice:) haha.

shall stop here for now.

continued

2005-12-28T06:17:00.000-08:00

i am backk. really late. 3 days after christmas :p

my com crashed on me, you see. and, i wasn't hardworking enough to thank everyone before it went dead.

continuing w my family :

ah guan kor : heys, ure one of my fav cousins and what a great big surprsie to find that you're also my brother in Christ :) thank u for taking the kind initiative to talk about things and im so glad that ure in my family. The entire household shall be saved!

all my aunts: i love u all~ never forgetting to satisfy my appetite for goodies and always being so nice!
Da yi: u rock as a granny too!
Li yi: u are just like my 2nd mummy. thank you for taking care of me when i was younger, miss those innocent days at your house. hope to catch up w ya again~ oh and thanks for the food from taiwan.
Sa Yi: Thanks for the advice before my china trip. I like the sanitizer so muchh. it saved me in beijing :p And thank u for always being so encouraging
Gor Yi: Thank you for loving me when you were around. I don't exactly know you, but I know you are a gentle and loving aunt :) The doll is still w me. God Bless

Ah Ma: I really want to go to visit u more often:) Ah ma kum sia li hor wa jia ba ba. :)

My Family in Christ:
Darrell: My spiritual mummy~ Thank you for being so patient and generous:p I wish we had more moments together as a cell. Thank you for bringing me closer to God and telling me that His love for me is really eternal, that keeps no record of wrongs. I want to know you and know God more and more in the new year!

Qinyu:Heys dear thank you for your gentleness. Let's grow closer to each other and to God. Haha don't always MIA sleepyhead :)

Xinyu: My dear sister~ Thank you for your assurance and support:) God brought you to me when I really needed a listening ear and an angel :) I'm sorry if i always sound so harsh on you:p love you

Yinghui: Heyz! Its been a great joy knowing you and I'm so glad God brought us together despite the initial hostility:p He's just so amazing:). Thank you for being such a dear to me. love you too

Tian: You're still my dear sister, no matter what. And you are God's dearest daughter. He knows your difficulties. Thank you for all the good and bad times :) I love you. Thank you for being the first to make me realize the great comfort and relief that God provides.

Yeeleng: Hey! You are such a kind and understanding girl. I always feel God telling me many precious things through you~ Thank you for being honest with me and I really treasure the times we spent.

Yanfang: Xiaofang thank you for agreeing to come to cell with me! hahaz. look forward to more precious moments of worshipping the Lord together with you:) Thank you for always being sweet:) I think your eyebags are cute :p

Zhejun:You're so blur but such a dear! hehez. Thank you for joining me in cell as well:)

Zhongyu: Hey brother thank you for those encouraging msgs you always send to us! Thank you for helping me to draw closer to God in this year even in school! Thank you too for giving me a chance to lead worship

Gwen: Gwen thanks a lot for being so friendly and sincere all the time:) You're such a comforter.

Wanling: Heys thank you for bringing me to cell.. I've known so many nice peeps and its all arranged that you should be the one to introduce me to them!

Zijia: You're such a dao kia~ haha. hope to spend time worshipping the Lord tgether w u and the class! remember our plans:)

Xinghui: Heys its been a long time. Thank you for your guidance and concern when I was still a lost believer. Thank u for those conversations we had, when u shared your experiences w me

Joel: Its been a long time as well. Somehow I'm glad that God planned things this way. Thank you for bringing me to the Lord and showing me how important it is to honour Him above everything else. Its good to see you too :)

Bryan: Bong its been a blessing to know you :) Thank you for those times in Beijing-Shanghai and I really enjoyed the fellowship with you and Sng. Thank you for being so assuring and sensitive. You definitely helped me to understand the heart of our Father more~

Pastor Khong: You're always on stage but I know your heart is for us and for God :) Thank you for your guidance and enthusiasm:p

Pastor Eugene: You're such an adorable pastor! And you really bring a smile to my face:) Thank you so much:)

Pastor Seng Lee: You're so animated:P oops. But we love you for that and for your down to earth faith. Thank you for being so friendly all the time. I miss encounter :(

Pastor Joesphine: You're always so witty and fun-loving:) I'm so glad I knew you better during encounter:) I thank God for making you my pastor.

Minna arigatou~

2005-12-24T18:15:00.000-08:00

Minna Arigatou

This entry is largely inspired by xiaoyuan. And I just want to begin this Christmas with thanksgiving, something I know God wants me to do :)

=my family=
hehex. though none of you will be reading this but i still want to thank you all.

Papa: I know im really a brat to talk back to you when I'm fed up but thank you for loving me the way you do and tolerating with this brat for 17 years (and counting) I know what you want for me is for my own good; but I really hope (and I know you will) that there will come a day when you love God too.

Mummy: I love you :) You always understand my thoughts (well, 98% of the time :p) and you never give up on me. I'm sorry for making you shed so many tears. I will never get tired of your cooking! You and ah ma are da best :p May His love enter and reside in your heart.

Gor: What can I say? My noisy, grumpy but caring Gor. Not the typical gentlemanly type of 'tender loving care' but his very own rugged version :p Thank you for being such a great brother to me.

Jie: Even though we haven't been very close after so long, but thank you for being so understanding despite everything :)

=05A7C/ 05A6=
Tian: Tiam! Despite all the squibbles and unhappiness, thank you for bringing so much joy in my life this year :) I'm so glad you and I stayed in NY. You are my bestie for life. I know it was a hard time for you after you told your father about everything. But I believe that is the best decision you made because you honour your parents.. God loves you always and so do I.

Jeanie: Heys. Its been quite a year with you. Thank you for being you. I will never forget those times. Things may have changed, but cheers girl, I love you.

Zhenyou: Whoa. Its been a year of putting up with you irritating voice!!! lolx. Thank you for being honest all the time; I really needed your 'diagnosis'. Be happy and stay focused :p God bless

Nemo: Whenever we shout your name, it feels as if I've gone back to my childhood :p Thank you for being such a nice Da ge ge to all of us. Nemo rox big time :)

Glyn: My xiaozhu mummy~ Thank you for all the laughter and joy. I look forward to all the time we will spend together in the year to come!

* shall continue when i'm back

gathering?

2005-12-19T06:12:00.000-08:00

gathering?

today we met up for the first time.. with the lep china trip peeps but things didn't really seem as cheery as I thought it would be.. perhaps its just too big a group. and we are, after all, not exactly gathered with a specific common purpose.

in all, it just didn't work out quite right?

but i still enjoyed myself. yingying was really overjoyed at the sunflower she got from yinghui, haaz. But its really nice to see her smiling so sweetly :)

it seems that every date with yinghui is a piggy date. oOps. she will be reading this. ;p we had pizza hut. thought i'd be ravenous but i got quite full before i could finish my pasta. still, the drumlets were irresistable. Juicy, spicy and meaty. slurps. roamed around quite aimlessly in heeren and far east for a bit. then ate at swensen's. again.

my 4th time eating there with yinghui. or 5th? I bet its still counting. we've got many years down the road dear.

and when i got home i thought i looked more plump. really did. and the weighing scale told me that my worry was not uncalled for. im gg to make this regular. or i'll have to put some of my clothes away, sadly. *burp~

oh we took neoprint? for the first time after.. months. poor liu z had to bear with all the shit we wanted to accessorise him with. but hey, the dung was really cool. its such a pity.

plus yingying pierced her ears at 77th street. I wanted to pierce another one but the salesgirl's attitude made me feel a bit insecure. And i wasn't mentally prepared to go through all the hassle of post-ear piercing :p utlra lazy.

woots we bought earrings. yinghui, yingying, tian and me! they just never seem to be enough, do they. and shopping is about the least harmful thing u can ever blog about, lolx. i shall blog in retrospect. if the mood and time constraints allow it. :)

oh i saw pastor hee guan at somerset mrt today. i was merely looking at him. then i went. 'ehh?' he noticed. somehow~~ and he stared back. i mean, not te hostile glare but the- are-you-looking-at-me- (eyes magnified) expression. and i walked up to him to say hi :) it was kinda weird, but still glad to have said hi, hahas.

hope the next gathering will be better! looking forward to the kbox date~ and its a promise to xiaoyuan! or my finger will break right, honey? :p

Yawns

2005-12-06T04:47:00.000-08:00

Yawns.

feel the urge to blog for a bit all of a sudden. Wonder why Yinghui has the patience to link from one blog to another just to pass her time. or.. waste it? :p hee hee

I wanted to go for a morning jog but when i woke up this morning slightly before 8am i knew I couldnt get myself outta bed so. Just forfeited the whole idea. for today at least. Just told my mum I'd go tomorrow. or i would fatten to death''

Today was quite a piggy day for me lor. I had breakfast at home, appleworm from bread talk plus a slice of gardenia. Reach schl, drink milo, when yh come, eat crackers. Go j8, eat long john silver's fries, noodles, then had ice-cream and fries again. Then bought bread from bread talk for tmrw's breakfast. More worms.

I think I really have to settle down and do some serious revision and homework.
Honestly, I think my blog is so boring now. It may have been 'interesting' to some in the past, but, I'd rather it not be.

After coming back, somehow I don't seem to miss and yearn for those days like some do. I do miss the people and the place and everything, but, I'm kinda wanting to get on with life. There were times during the trip that I felt quite frustrated too. Or perhaps its just because I really think I will go back to china soon. I do not particularly long for anything now.

Went Life bookshop today and saw some stuff I want to get for others and for myself. Read this devotional book and it really made me yearn for the word of God. But I'm not hungry enough. I know.

oh wells. I want to cut my hair but. I really want to let it grow long for once.
I shall just wait and see.

Met a lady today. Never had such an encounter. I think Im really very privileged. Aren't we?

Like whatever lorh.

2005-11-10T07:06:00.000-08:00

Like whatever lorh.

hee hee. still remember yinghui saying:' like, whatever lorh' when we last met. Hope that I can say this to myself, not as an intention to walk away feeling bochup about everything, but when I can't do anything, thats it.

Today has been a bad day. Not feeling well. Then.. some unhappiness. But its good that I met up with zhongyu, cynthia and jeremy today.. :) Now I am more sure what my father wants for me.. Some reaffirmation of what Angela spoke about this yr from Zhongyu too.. mm.. still waiting for an answer.

If we can talk in codes in our blog, Id rather the only person who can comprehend my blog would be myself, Him and perhaps just a few friends.

Sometimes blogging gets quite hurting`. I have also hurt others. That I am aware.

Still glad, anyhow.

Oh yeah! tmrw got lep lesson. then go for zijun's birthday chalet~ scared i cant get out of there to bugis mrt.. Im a hopeless street idiot. Then watching Dua Dai Ji at Bugis Area!

I bought chocolates today~ can give ppl tmrw:)

Waiting. waiting. what are we waiting for.

2005-11-08T11:34:00.000-08:00

Waiting. waiting. what are we waiting for.

In the school library~ There isn't a high demand for computers as far as I can see.. Felt slightly guilty when I saw ppl doing pw when Im happily or rather, wearily playing bubble bees on orisinal..

Then just saw eewei with her pw group who is right beside me. Relayed the message about lep make up lesson this friday and she looked at me as if I was a freak or something. Oh well. Then another guy beside me is probably doing his revision homework and not using the comp at all.. Maybe that gives me less reasons to feel guilty at all?

Am waiting for bei to send me her stuff to print cuz her printer is out of ink. and waiting for jiajin to come to school so i can pass him econs tys which Gwen needs.. hmm..

Called some hospitals and clinics to ask if got flu vaccine but all say don't have.. Only a nurse from sgh gave me some advice on how and where to make enquiries.. But still there are no available supplies. I didn't do my QT yesterday :( So much for setting those goals when I emailed Darrell.. I wun slack again today.

Here's a list of thngs i need to do today when i get home:
1.sleep.
2. QT
3.script.. i can't get past 'the weather report'
4.get back to May Lan laoshi
5. Do my I&R
6. Revise rewrite my op cue cards
7. confirm scriptwriting schedule w jieyan and rest of exco
8. watch vampire 2
9.ask jy if he called xiu xiu already
10. tiday up my stuff.

woots~

even my blog entry sounds dead.. i hate this kind of feeling. I'm not burned out cos ive been slacking. im just siannnnnnnn.

so long gd bye

Im backk

2005-11-06T20:45:00.000-08:00

Had a sudden urge to get a new blog layout, changed it a couple of times and Im settling with this~
I love jimmy's works:)
Mr Chong Tze Chien said my ideas are very 'jimmy'. hopefully cheryl has some kind of a unique touch to her ideas.

These few days have been.. good and bad.

I need to learn how to talk. A fact that is right smack at my face.

So long then

boo.

2005-08-16T03:18:00.000-07:00

BoO. look ahead

what a day.

out of 4 qns, I couldn't even complete 2.

sometimes i really don't know why im busy.
for what?

how much more can i be stretched?

why do i always allow nervousness to win over me?
the only enemy i have is myself.

where's that old me?
can it be found?
maybe its not really worth finding.
there's no return.

just look ahead cheryl
take a moment now to be still

Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God
Still- Hillsong

Lalala

2005-07-27T05:22:00.000-07:00

Lalala
ok i shall update after all.

In the mad rush of the week, somehow I don't feel as if I really did a lot with regards to my academic work.

Things keep cropping up in the morning :( Sessions are somewhat disrupted

And a morning announcement just reminded me that we need a change of venue and I really wonder where will it be?

Had another diarrhoea attack today groans~ and xiao bei and xiao tian is sick :(

Xiao yu : Xiao Fang: Xiao Bian tai: Xiao Ni: Xiao Dan :Xiao Zhu: Xiao Tian : Xiao Bei: Xiao Long: Xiao Hei (naturally thats me)
eemm.. Xiao rong?

Yeahh we are from The Xiao Gang . 05A6A? Lols.

Falling in love with theatre once again :) Im soO glad my tummy upset didn't deprive me of today's cca session!
A multitude of things to juggle with, but still.
LOVING IT. honestly!

how now.

2005-07-19T07:51:00.000-07:00

how now.
i promised to blog about the memorable celebration i had with my dears calynn and jeanie at esplanade.. but its a promise long broken.

loved the fondue and choc strawberries and of course the time i spent with you two! and i love the both of you.

my coughing has 'subsided' haha. i had better be cured of it completely before darrell says anything more, aha. thankew for the fish and co treat!

going to beijing at the end of the year for lep immersion.. pity im missing the OCIP at lijiang. praying for another chance.. hopefully with ms d as well.

im so glad to have found xinyu, biru, yeeleng and yinghui as my sisters. lets make it a committment to Him and a promise ourselves.

a recent incident jus reminded my dense brain and perhaps hardened heart that we should never take things for granted. my dear sister has left our family. wakeup call? I don't know. And I don't ever want to be woken up this way again.

The door to home is always open. If only you truly knew. If only we tried harder. If only I was less selfish. If only I had given my all.

We're still waiting.

ouch.

2005-07-06T17:30:00.000-07:00

ouch.
my throat hurts a lot.. it feels as if i have an ulcer on the right side down my throat.. eeks. every time i cough or even drink water that part aches. this morning all the phlegm i coughed out was yellow and there were traces of blood. i thought, fine, its just some mild bleeding because im coughing too much. when i brushed my teeth my gums were also bleeding..

but at least now im not feeling all wobbly like this morning, esp when i returned home.. was struggling on my way home from school haha. never felt so awful before.. its over.

when i woke up coughing like mad my parents asked me what I'd eaten ytd and i said i ate ban3 mian4! haha sounds so healthy and harmless aye. But in actual fact I ate TWO prata with sausage.. i think that heaty food aggravated my cough ba. But still very yummy.

hope i have a miraculous recovery by tmr morning so i won't be making a fool out of myself.

updating for the sake of updating

2005-07-04T03:26:00.000-07:00

updating for the sake of updating

yes thats what im doing now. i think i will not be writing anything for some time. blooger's block? whatever you call it just not in the mood for blogging much. at least not for now.

xinyu and i shopped for tian's prsent and got a cross necklace+matching studs for her. wah the prata with sausage at taka very nice leh.. hee hee i wan to go eat it again soon haha. its no wonder i cant slim down.

we were. or rather i was. being irritating today. haha. ms d seemed so frustrated.. or izzit the marking tts driving her nuts?

yesterday we worked for 4hours at furama riverfront.. priss, sm, jojo, zy and me! the whole event was so screwed up i think we pissed ppl off. haha anyhow we had a fun time esp priss and me posing as one of the invited participants.. haha. we helped ourselevs to the food and went into the venus ballroom. got this very shuai4 caucasian ahh! haha. ah lian also found a jap eyecandy who apparently noticed our odd behaviour lol..

gtg start on my reading! lagging behind and not keeping to my schedule. :( but its good to always start again..

tmr's tian's bdae and it seems tt i have to go for a rhd meeting in schl tmr morning?! pray against it. haha.

just two days more, cheryl

2005-06-28T04:12:00.000-07:00

just two days more , cheryl.
yes. two days more before i can take a good break from books and focus again on other priorities in life! before i can go shopping with an empty wallet, sobz. haha. Woi Calynn, owe money pay money leh. hahaz, jk. hope things are alright now for you..

headaches are horrible. they've been bugging me ever since last friday's lep paper. oh and diarrhoea as well. lol. paiseh neh.

School has actually reopened for two days but it doesnt feel like it. Nice to see old and new faces.

Its never easy to accept certain things i suppose. Anyhow, I hope he is happy.

I am :

2005-06-22T18:29:00.000-07:00

i am:

im tirrredddd.
i still have 3 poems and 2 short novels!
to complete within dinner time?!

i'm feeling weird.
but better.
at least im gradually, really letting go.

i'm glad.
tian2, xinyu, yeeleng, calynn, ms darrell:
muacks~

i'm in pain
stomach:growl~
headachhhee

i'm feeling a little sad.
missin my little juniors
and my teachers.

i'm happy
to have known you.

i'm happy
to move on.

i break. i want to mend.

2005-06-20T19:36:00.000-07:00

i break . i want to mend

The more i try to avoid things, the more I cant. So I just let myself do what i want to do and write what I want to write until perhaps one day I'm numb about it.

Then it will truly be over.

But I always believe in the good side despite the unpleasant side.
I still do.

My blunt nature is acting up again. Being candid doesnt mean you have to hurt others. Someone drill this into my thick head. Then again, I should realise all this and learn from it earlier. Before I break something else. Sadly, I only understand AFTER things are broken. Damn it.

'Why break more when you're still learning to mend? You know the feeling of hurting someone.'- my pal

Yeah. I really don't want to be haunted by that feeling again.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word? Nahhh. its useless untill you take action.

Studying, surprisingly, is getting fun. A mountain of work awaits me.

I enjoy time after midnight.
My brain becomes oddly clear.
Last night at 2am I was just staring into space.
Thinking about things that bothered me all this while.
I had a sudden urge to say familiar words that had been spoken to me.
Felt a slight desire to exact revenge.
Thank God those words never came out from my sinful mouth.

Till now I don't understand fully what it means for one's heart to be cold. Burning. Lukewarm. These two I know.
Cold?
Maybe it just means that things just don't matter or exist anymore.
They are better off dead.
Maybe.

Update update...

2005-06-18T06:45:00.000-07:00

Update . update
alrightee woman here's the update u asked for. haha. been a while since i settled down to write anything on this blog of mine that I'm beginning to grow tired of.. But I guess studies and my life is the the more urgent thing I can't ignore. Revamping this blog can wait..

My father says I can go to church!!!!!! Im shocked but nonetheless glad and happy to receive this answer at this point in time! Ever since I read that commandment and made that pact, I told myself that I won't go unless my parents say yes. And the day has come :) Thank You, Pa.

Thanx ~ My sistas and mummies.
Xinyu, Tian, Yee Leng.. and many others out there.. Don't give up. Don't stop that daily conversation. And wait. Trust that you will receive it.

Things haven't ended for me though, and they never will. Not a bad thing actually.

Sometimes I feel out of place? Especially when Im in a group.. But I haven't forgotten Mdm Tan's famous saying that unless you forget the world, the world won't forsake you. Had a talk with Xinghui today and Im glad. I still feel like I'm her cell member though. ha. Guess things will gradually change but we shall see..

Its been an honour for me to bring xinyu, yee leng and bei en to cell in school :) Give us Your blessings and I really wish for things to go smoothly. May we grow and walk on this journey together.

Now for the string of events that occured.
8th June celebrated Jeanie's b-dae and I felt like some vainpot cuz it was the first time I applied cosmetics, ew~ haA. Caught that, Jeanie? =p

14th June Jeanie and I went to UAN office at taka and listened to Don's somewhat hypnotic introduction to the network.. That woman beside me looked so interested lah. But when we walked outta the office he told me she wasn't even being attentive. Blearhx. To think I was worried that she'll fix a contract with them while I choose to let the opportunity fly by. If you call that an opportunity, ha.**

Met up later with Calynn and lolz. I had my usual serving of choc ice cream from Venezia.. aahh i miss that. tee hee. Jeanie and I were like nutcases when we showed Calynn all the Guess bags we liked while she stood outside the shop eating ice cream ;) Haiz. Expensive expensive.
Wisma atria's famous amos cookied were calling out for us!!! Couldn't resist, yummy. We shared the no-nut chocalate chip cookies. Anybody reading this entry won't be convonced that I'm on a diet now eh? Well I am trying to.

All three of us saw things we fancied at Future State. But we decide to go Far Eat where Jeanie's perfect dress was waiting for her to bring it home. ha. Spent a looong time at an accessories shop. The walls were filled with earrings lar. Ended up goggle-eyed while we searched for our pair.. Ooh but i love those butterfly earrings I got. smileeez. After that we chiong back to Wisma Future State to get my earrings (again) and Calynn's pink top. Waaaaa...

Spent a lot.
But those two are fabulous shopping companions! Let's wait for the exams to end =p Till later gals.

The Next Step

2005-06-06T02:56:00.000-07:00

The Next Step
Things have been happening. duh. I've slacked (academically, at least)ever since the end of the lep camp. Time to catch up on work and revision of course. Lets mug, Jeanie.

I don't want to lie anymore. Its tiring and sinful. Don't know how to put it to Mum though. Thankfully here is sermon online; my cell leaders and sisters

I do hope Xinghui is not upset. She sounded a bit unhappy when she knew that I joined Miss Darell's cell.. I asked her if she minds.. No reply. Geez. Its my fault for not asking for her opinion earlier. Xian1 zhan3 hou4 zou4. Its one thing I practice but hate people to do unto me. Ultimately Im sufferring from it all and making others miserable.

I've been a terrible person when it comes to relating with people. Relationships have been tenderly placed in my hands and bit by bit without noticing Im ripping them apart. Is that it? I think so. Allow me to mend that. I truly wish to.

LEP camp 05

2005-06-02T21:38:00.000-07:00

LEP camp 05

4 days of eating chicken!! we were served the breast, drumstick, wings of the poor chicken during our days at the sports school.. oh dear. the environment ard me really encourages me to further pig out.. thankfully my weight has somewhat reached its saturation point... its time to shed the fats i guess.

my group leader was yinghong! and i realised that there are many drama rama peeps in lep cos a big percentage of them were involved in either bai yun gang, luu yuan or huangcheng.. its great to network with them through this camp..
the attached j2 facilitator was Soon kiat!! Huang cheng 05's overall technical director.. hm.. he realised tt nyjc-ians are less active during the group activities.. which is quite expected.. But I just dun really like our passive behaviour and the image we portray as a school sometimes.. Well. In any case there are always exceptions.

We were all asked to submit an essay to our teachers for further selection.. Im kinda glad i wrote what I had to say. Even though its never pleasant to recollect the past. The writer gave some honest feedback and some of her judgements were quite accurate ha.. Shall seek to improve.

LEP idol was a little disastrous with certain ppl in the contest.. geez. But it was a lot of fun hosting the item hahaz. I used to be bored out by the conventional emcee tasks i got but this one is really different. Im loving impromptu more and more by the day :)

Starving. Stuffing.

2005-05-29T03:46:00.000-07:00

Starving. Stuffing
I stuffed myself with junk today. Been eating more than usual but today was like.. whoa. After talking to jeanie instead of going off to sleep I went downstairs to get pringles and prawn carckers and of course, green tea. Then started to binge in front of the telly which was showing repeat telecast of zhen1 qing2.
Then I regretted buying so little food. Went to spread milo powder on gardenia bread and ate again.. my third slice of milo bread for the day.. 'jia ka ki'. yeah man. I reduced the loaf to a third since I bought it yest morning. Well done.

Next time I will buy the full size pringles lar. Prawn crackers seemed so tasteless. Try others next time ba.

Jeanie and I made a pact to share fresh famous amos cookies lol. Lately a lot of girls wanna make cookies for their dears.. For me I prefer to eat the cookies I made myself. keke. Save some to crush and disintegrate them into crumbs. yay. i take pride in that huh.

Enough.

If only I can eat everything away. But even if the food disappears before your eyes. They will be churning inside you. Then you will vomit it out before your very eyes again. I should have advised you to keep a distance from food while reading this. But too bad. You have already puked it all out.

On a happier note. I went to His dwelling place. Prayers had never come so naturally to me before. Why do you dismay to see me praying? I don't want to aggravte you though. I hate to lie.

Bring him warmth. Warmth within.

I'm not going to give up

2005-05-27T04:22:00.000-07:00

.Won't give up.

All along Ive been crying in pain when I'm the one brandishing the sword.
Just realised that I shouldn't have ever doubted you.
Who is the cold-blooded, uncaring idiot
Who was the one who wanted to end things?
Me. me??! Yes, me.
I didn't mean it.

Id never heard your voice turn all cold before. But you sounded so different
yesterday, you scared me. You really did.

I'm not afraid of anything else anymore.
I won't give up on you.
I won't doubt you.
I won't hurt you.

I will be there.
I will be strong.
I am strong.
I am still there.

So what if I ever labelled you a jerk.
I love that jerk

2005-05-26T03:23:00.000-07:00

Just wanna be happie

yep.. this was one of my goals i set for myself during the camp.. simple yet difficult to achieve.. think? haha ive been depressed or not quite happy this year despite it being pretty eventful.. in fact.. too eventful for a small girl like me, hAA.

suddenly so many people know what has been bothering me for the past 2 months.. well. I don't blame him, really. I know that you all care for me but honestly, he hasn't been that cruel to me so.. yup. I don't want things to turn sour and I believe that friend of mine hopes that we stay as friends, aye? So tian2, jeanie, bei en.. dun worry about it. I know that when its over, its gone and done with. haha. I think he was pretty shocked by some things I did. What with the loud exclamation: "We hate jerks!!!".. it drove him away from sitting near me lol. Did it? haha. it has been quite an expereince confiding in you gals. thanks for listening and being there yah. Love y'all. As for you-know-who-you-are, Im sorry that I was so obstinate to hold on and still, despite how you've hurt me, you've been a great friend anyhow. No sarcasm intended. haha.. I know you can be a nice brother too.. and hey, I still owe you a song. Here's wishing yah all the best.

Two-day camp is over and, what can I say? It was a good chance for me to get over some unhappiness and to start on a fresh new note. It spurred me to fight for things I want and I know I CAN want. muaha. Im thinking of how to tell my parents about religious matters again. Zhaohui was a great facilitator and friend... It was the first time I saw the majority of the class (whoever bothered to turn up the 2nd day) work together as one. All the guys in my class are so MAN!!! Even thomas, haha.. But I really felt awkward when I had to be carried around.. lol. Even though I know all of them but errhem.. Im still a girl yah.. haha. Nemo is sO superb!! He had the strength and perserverance to take on so many 'loads' securely.. Heex. Not denying the efoort put in by all the other guys as well.. But my fish gorgor was really impressive yesterday.. haha.For classes that experienced internal problems, I believe this camp served as a powerful start to a close-knit class.. Looks like class politics will evolve. Again. Not a bad thing though.

LDMR

2005-05-23T05:43:00.000-07:00

Awake u better be
Yes its rEally time to let go, Cheryl. for goodness sake wake up.
There's nothing for you to hold on to anymore.
Wash your feelings off the matter.
You heard it.
You read it.
You feel it.
You know it.
It will not ache anymore.
Because u won't allow it.

No you will not.
Be empowered to pierce through me anymore.
I'm not all that vulnerable.

IRK ME NOT.

14th may 05

2005-05-14T00:35:00.000-07:00

14th may 05

Nope , this is not a day I want to commemorate, at least not for the moment. Just can't think of a title for it.

Never really knew what to blog about recently. I'm not even keep in touch with the friends I made in Taiwan. Oh bleah.

I feel vulnerable all over again. Just differently.

Amazingly, xinyu decided to read my blog.
Amazingly, she decided to trace the contents bit by bit and pieced them together.
Amazingly, we see each other so often these days ever since she read my blog.
Amazingly we shared our common experiences.

He heard us both.

We talked last night and Im really glad we did. I never really knew why she looked so down for a period of time but I do now. She assured me once again that my decision was more than right. How much do external assurances work, I do not know. I fear losing my faith and for a moment just now I thought I would. I felt so small and tiny and insignificant.

can't imagine that.

I just checked the route out. It feels as if Im planning an escape. An escape to a better journey, the journey I seek.It is so accessible yet there are so many things hindering me from going. I know I want to go, I particularly feel now that I need to go. I have things to tell Him.
I do not know what entails when I take this second step.

I'm a little tired again. Xinyu said I'm a strong girl, and a strong girl I shall be. My dear Xinyu you shall be strong too.

What now.. then..in the future.

2005-05-14T00:17:00.000-07:00

What now.. then..in the future.

Have I really got over it? I don't know. What I'm feeling now about what i just read says no. But in comparison to that someone else, I don't think Im fit to say that I can't forget. I mean, who am I to say that?

I knew Him because of him and because of him I turn to Him, day by day. What would it be like if he didn't come along in my life?

If I keep this inside I know I'll cry and I shouldn't. Im strong, right?

I was there, yet not quite there and where will you be?

In what way should I hold on, or let go.

What a fool I am to even think of giving him things he probably wouldn't appreciate. Can't help it much. My heart leads me on.

I wanted to say that I 'd rather you be colder. But hey, who's the one trying not to be cold?

Wished you could hear this but why would you do that? I still wish though, I still pray.

Just let me be, for I don't know how else to handle this. I know I'm not doing things for my own good. Dear God..dear God.

Not feeling fine.

2005-04-27T18:55:00.000-07:00

Stayed in the library after catching a glimpse of what's happening at LT 4 for the national electronic project work comp. Saw my darling amanda, houshun, xiu xiu.. caijin.. Still remember during BYG 05 we were trying desperately to learn the cca song in da LT.. Doing stupid things.. Our hearts as one all for bai yun gang. I don't even know what's happening in cca now and I reaally really miss cca.. I miss cca at NYGH too. Nobody's strapping my legs to the ground or pointing a gun at my head, commanding me not to go cca or go back to NYGH.. But even if I do go back, things just ain't the same anymore. Fine, I'm lamenting again.. Just let me be lol.

Maybe its the after-effect of late nights and over use of the Internet.. Maybe things just happen to occur all at the same time. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to sat in the library today and write in that little notebook og mine. It made me think of things I didn't really want to be reminded of at the moment. Maybe I'm just thinking too much.

Its true that there are very few people around us whom we can trust. Sometimes I don't know who is a friend indeed. I do know a few friends whom I can cry to though. Maybe I'm just imprisoning myself. But who isn't imprisoned deep down, in these times? I would really want to know someone like that. To anybody who's reading this and to myself as well, I do hope that you can find a window within those cold dark walls, and may you feel loved under the warmth of the light sifting through that window;however small it may be. May you always have an angel by your side.

Funny things have been happening in class. But they're not illogical though. I don't know whats with Yanlong. A friend of mine says he looks sad. In class he seems contented and he smiles, though not quite happy. Zhenyou is isolating himself from our clique. Or is our clique isolating ourselves from the rest? I try not to. I'm getting along fine with jeanie and gang.. As for the rest, they do mingle with everyone as much as possible. I think Zhenyou has his reasons. Maybe he wants to concentrate on his work. Since some time ago he has been telling us that he wants to be a loner. He has probably succeeded? Or perhaps he just wants to make a stop at every table and know everyone better. Sometimes I really admire Nemo. He can still talk to yanlong. Probably zhenyou as well. Nemo is like a big gor gor to so many of us. Kelly and he make such a cute couple. He doesn't speak harshly. How do you achieve that?

Finally finished the PI last week. Not particularly keen on the topic I'm doing. shall see how it goes.

Im procrastinating again.. Hate it hate it hate it.

Leaving for taiwan tmr at 5pm.. Was really excited yesterday but not anymore. Dunno y.

A lullaby. 24th April. The clouds have cleared

2005-04-25T00:33:00.000-07:00

A lullaby. 24th April. The clouds have cleared

Couldn't go church, as usual but I'm really touched by the fact that so many people care for me. Like Xinghui and Ms Darrell who have both offered to talk to me though I haven't been able to do that in the meantime. I used to think I was a little foolish, doing all those things I'd done (if uve been reading my blog recently u'd know what i mean) but not anymore. I've grown quite a lot. Not just on the stupid weighing scale lol. I learnt a lot and I'm able to see things from a clearer perspective, with a more mature state of mind.

Yesterday(24th) 05A7c (ist 3 mths) + Cunzheng+Unknown dragon boater(oops) formed a team of ten and we puit up a good fight against the other teams in the first and second round of heats.. The very fact that we made it into the 'semi-finals' with the timing of 3 min 29 secs was rewarding. Even though our spirit was better and our skills improved the second time round it was difficult to row against the current.. Ended the race with a timing of 3 min 54 secs.. But I'm still very proud of everybody.. Heex. Keep up the spirit! I finally understand why Zhenyou is so ON about dragonboat.. The morale is incredible. Weiqi was a superb drummer.. It was not just the encouraging words she said; more importantly the WAY she said it spurred us on.. Being a siao zabo I exclaimed throughout the second race. 'Wo3 Men2 Bu2 Lei4!' My arms were aching by then. But its all in the mind, really.

Just like our faiths. If you truly believe, things will work out. Been praying. Like what Xinghui said to me, there will always be a way that God provides. Even though I can never foresee what will happen with regards to my faith, at least I am at peace with myself now. Right, Gor? I was given a very good answer yesterday though I'd never expected things to turn out this way. Now You make me happy.

A *pat-on-the-head* for Joel. You can revert to your actual gender now. Haaahahah. I approve of it now. The song that I'm going to sing for the semi-finals is dedicated to you. Maybe its good that you take a break from those matters for now but don't ever forget. Need to talk, my ears are more than willing to listen aye. If I do not get into the semi-finals, remind me to sing it to you aye. haha.

A scream out to Priss....!!!!! We miss you so. Tian2 looked so sad when she saw the testi you wrote for her.. Thanks for tagging.. Even though you're not in NY anymore we know you'll always be there right? Wished you were around, crapping with us and being your usual self. Hee. You should be glad to see this entry I suppose.. I'm ok now.

Its campaigning week.. Nothing excites me though, lol. We'll see what happens. The signboard guy doesnt seem so irritating anymore. Well, at least he doesn't annihilate others.

Things came and went. Like a beautiful lullaby. Which will never come to an end. A rest simply signifies a new beginning, on a different note.

Whats happening now huh

2005-04-22T19:56:00.000-07:00

Whats happening now huh

Hey in the previous entry there was this whole string of chinese words that cannot be read.. it just means that ' its no use raising her, she might as well move to church and reside there for good.'

School has been kinda boring, even though there seems to be many things happening. Perhaps Im lagging a little. Been keeping late nights. I used to think that ngyh student council elections were horrible. Now I realised that its even worse in NYJC. Gosh, spare me please. The signboard guy belonged to the batch of councillors in the hall where my class was.. I wanted to be mean and ask a question directed at him but well, i didnt. ha.

I didnt know tt there were 3 people running for council in Joel's class.. What zy asked didnt sway my decision to vote for Joel but that Eric can bang himself against the wall, thanks. You know, I appreciate it that you answered that question so well cos you just earned an lifelong rotting impression. eew. Who's the boastful one huh? Interestingly that big clique kept silent when Eric quacked on the mic. They probably don't know how to react. Or the reason behind their behaviour. Have you ever stopped to think before you hurt someone?

Point my way

2005-04-22T18:52:00.000-07:00

Point my way

My father knows it too. ''养她养到那么大也没用，叫她搬去church住算了''. Even though he did not say this in my face, i still felt upset. The worse thing is I can't even find someone to talk to. Not many people know about this. I know who will listen to me but things don't work the way I wished they would all the time, do they?

Ny SC is organizing a talentime competition entitled ''The One''. I've decided to give the singles event a shot. After singing the same few (5/6) songs repeatedly to my friends, (esp zy) we agreed on the 3 songs I will sing. If I enter the semi-finals and finals that is. Lol. I really do hope that I will. All I want to do is sing and enjoy myself. Express myself.

Yest glyn, jojo, zy nemo and I stayed back in schl till 7 ++ trying songs out. I kept bugging jojo to enter the singles event but she was adamant on dropping out of the whole competition together if she's not entering the group category. I kept giving Nemo 'the sad look' lol. Its pretty hard t find a good song that both of us can sing. Moreover my taiwan trip will deprive us of any chance to practice before the semis.. One day is definitely insufficient. A virtual night mare lol. I suggested that Glyn and jojo to form a duo and enter the Talentime. While i work hard for my singles event in Taiwan, ha. Hope zy finds the ideal song for himself real soon. Same to jeanie and zhirong. Pray that all 05A6-ians make it to the finals, and we'll bag all the prizes, heex.

Dear XXXX

2005-04-19T03:56:00.000-07:00

Dear XXXX

Ever since i accepted Christ, so many things have happened, whether pleasant or unpleasant, everything is making me feel tired, very tired.

Mum knows it already. I told her. I asked her if I could go church on Saturday. Was out watching a speech competition then. She sounded so angry and said she was disappointed. From then on I found myself not being able to listen to the speeches, probaby because I feared what would come hours later when I got home. I explained what happened when I reached home, we quarrelled, I cried. She wanted me to account for it myself to my father, who is OH-SO against Chrisianity and steadfast in his Buddhist beliefs.

From then on she tried to act ignorant. She didn't want to hear any of it anymore. She kept suspecting that I was lying to her, that when i leave the house on a weekend or if I stay back in school, I'm sneaking out to church. Its so sickening sometimes.

My father always said that when I was in my mother's womb, my pursuit of 'The Way' had already started because my mum meditated during her pregnancy. In other words, I was in a sense borne under the blessings of Goddess of Mercy. Earlier on when I accepted Jesus, I felt somewhat like a sinner. I knew I'd 'betrayed' my parents, betrayed The Goddess of Mercy who offered me solace and peace. I told xinghui and joel that I didn't know who to pray to. Then I proceeded to praying to God every day, I prayed for myself and for others. I even touched tian2 by advising her to tell her troubles to Jesus, because ''He will listen to you and share your burdens" She cried after she read this. I'd never touched someone like that, using my faith. Yet Christianity has allowed me to do that.

Nonetheless I am still unsure. I do not dare to look at the portrait of The Goddess of Mercy. I told myself one point in time that, 'No, you have already accepted Jesus, you have renounced your faith in Buddhism'. Have I ? Truly? Even though it is said that after I accept Jesus, I have been given 'eternal life' and I have atoned for my sins. What is sinning now? Is is disobedience towards God? Or is it my act of renouncing my buddhist beliefs? I don't know anymore. Please give me an answer.

I feel different. From before.

2005-04-15T05:40:00.000-07:00

I feel different. From before.

Its been a while since i updated my blog and the week flew past, not unknowingly though.
On Sunday Joel invited me to the G12 conference at Kallang Indr Stadium and he kept himself busy by introducing Adeline, Zongyi(YJ peeps) and I to his church friends. Was surprised to see Mr Loke, Chien Wei and some other familiar faces:) Miss Darell was there as well!! It was my first time hearing her sing..:) Her voice sounded child-like. grins.

I felt uneasy initially because I couldn't bring myself to sing the songs they played; almost everyone else sang. Interestingly, some of those tunes are stuck in my head now. 'More more more' would have been fun but my lack of enthusiasm and hesitation foiled it all.. It wasn't that bad actually;I sang eventually but i did it with a heavy heart.

A sharing session was scheduled that day. The translator did a bad job but its not an easy task to accomplish I suppose. I wished I'd given it more attention. Ha. The speaker was truly exceptional and is delivery was of passion. 'Most churches today seek for the hands and the face of jesus but few seek for his heart.' Its amazing how He has the ability to listen to and share all our burdens.

After the conference ended non-christians were nvited to go down and receive blessings. I didn't know what I was doing then. All I remember is that I nodded to Joel and moments later I went down looking dazed and yes, weird. I felt weird. I accepted Christ that very day, repeating after what Yongsi said. Once again I didn't know what to expect and before I knew it, I'd accepted the lord already. There were statements at which I hesitated for a long time. I am fully aware that it was not very sincere so when the day comes, I will do it again. Properly. Willingly. With all my heart.

I feel like a different person now. Thank you Joel for inviting Adeline and I to the conference. I never regretted being part of it. Many thanks to Xinghui for listening and sharing. Yongsi, thank you for your time and patience in bringing me closer to this new religion and to God. Miss Darell, thank you for being there at the conference, trying to make me feel at ease. I will talk to you real soon. Tian and I love you loads.

April 06, 2005

2005-04-09T05:55:00.000-07:00

April 06, 2005

It bloomed shyly one night
New to the sky above
A glimmer of hope and love
Shining in the twilight

"Can i have the next dance?" She nodded, tilted a petal a petal towards him and they twirled in the sunshine.

A thorn grew
Like cold breath it pricked
Armed with a shield
She cringed from those she knew

"I'll bring you to my world." But two roads can hardly be merged into one.

With dew she glistened
Rays of warmth
Breezes of affection
The thorn sprouted high

They had their last feast. Together.

Lifted the thorn
Stabbed
She bled
Withered ahead

"Do not come to me. My heart works this way."

Does it?

'Are you hurting as well?"
She reached out her last petal, tearing in the night.

I miss you too.
Goodbye my dear
Good night and Goodbye

Will you still be there?

2005-04-08T05:14:00.000-07:00

Will you still be there?

You and I must make a pact
We must bring salvation back
Where there is love I'll be there I'll reach out my hand to you
I'll have faith in all you do
Just call my name And I'll be there

I'll be there to comfort you Build my world of dreams around you
I'm so glad that I found you I'll be there with a love that's strong
I'll be your strength I'll keep holding on

Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter
Togetherness is all I'm after Whenever you need me
I'll be there I'll be there to protect you
With an unselfish love I'll respect you
Just call my name And I'll be there

I'll be there to comfort you
Build my world of dreams around you
I'm so glad that I found you
I'll be there with a love that's strong
I'll be your strength I'll keep holding on

If you should ever find someone new
I know she'd better be good to you
'Cause if she doesn't I'll be there
I'll be there I'll be there
Just call my name I'll be there
I'll be there
I'll be there
Whenever you need me I'll be there

Belated april fool?

2005-04-03T01:43:00.000-08:00

Belated april fool?

Its 3rd of April.. as mentioned earlier went out on friday without a single prank played on me.. Today, however seemed to be joke altogether..

Supposed to meet up with a friend for lunch but she didn't reply my qn regarding the time and venue until i was just about to leave the house.. thinking she will reply me sooner or later.. so i might as well go out first. I was terribly wrong. Apparently she mistook today for monday and the thing was called off.. Partly because I was mad at her initially.. Oh well. Not angry anymore lar.

I shopped alone in j8.. bought something i'd always wanted for myself.. and simply wandered about alone.. ate lunch alone.. travelled in the mrt alone.. went home alone.. window shopped alone. What a loner. lol. Took the train from bishan to marina bay.. then from marina bay to admiralty. From admiralty back to ang mo kio.. Hahaz.. You can call me a big idiot if u like. Was trying to drag time so that my mum would believe that I went out with my friend to watch a movie... that's all for now..

OG 1 outing!! YIPEE

2005-04-02T04:24:00.000-08:00

og 1 outing!! yipeeyesterday( which happens to be 1st April) I had an og outing!! which felt like a real og outing unlike the one i had 1 or 2 mths back with og5.. hahas.. but both outings were fun lar. Went out with sean, marilyn, zoe, kah hui, cai ping, meifeng, joel.. I hope i didn't forget anybody.. Ate lunch a PS food court and I shared a big bowl of yong tau foo with marilyn.. heex.. she is so cute sometimes haha. Yesterday the whole world seemed to say the same thing to me when they first saw me. " Are you okay?" well, i suppose so. Mei2 shi4 de4. Joel asked me that at least 3 times, lol.We window shooped for ard an hour.. walked into precious moments! Marilyn's fav shop.. Well its definitely not my favourite shop but, no harm patronising it once in a while.. After all it sells really nice stuff. Haha. But its always nicer when those things are meant as gifts from others.. It doesnt mean much to me when I buy those things for myself ha.. Watched 'be cool'.. Not too bad for entertainment puposes but I'm looking out for better movies.. Better acting.. Havent watched any theatre productions since huang cheng.. I have a sudden urge to watch a good one.. Sigh. Miss NYGH aditorium and the feeling of watching and performing in it. When arts fest comes along I'll invite my friends to watch it for sure.. Peoud of my old school where I first discovered my passion for theatre, where my love for performing grew.Someday I will go back to nygh on a cca day and see how my juniors are doing.. miss u ppl loads.

O2! My dearest og 1..

2005-03-25T04:34:00.000-08:00

O2! My dearest og 1..
heys~ O2 wasnt as bad as i expected it to be lol. Even though we cancelled some games.. which were substituted with kapish kabul and balloon stepping it was still fun.. Less tiring than the scheduled ultimate no NG in fact. So slashing O2 to two days might be a blessing in disguise.

I love my og1!!! Most of them are quite fun ppl.. Like joel, sean, marilyn, mursidha... Not to forget bigg tedyy zhenyou and all.. Those who pulled long faces didnt turn up on the second day.. lol. But we had so much more fun on the second day! And my og became entusiastic on that very day too. I feel so proud of them. I thought joel was the only one who was willing to engage himself in the activities fully.. But hey, I was wrong about that. We all had fun on the second day alright. First day of O1 i taught this girl fr my og to dance summer sunshine.. She seemed so unwilling to learn.. and lethargic when she did the dance moves. Oh well. I said to her. Since you have to do it anyway, why don't you do it happily? Im not sure she caught that though.

All star was a great big mess. During dancing king and queen the zelda king touched the zelda queen.. hmm.. i didnt notice cos i was dancing away myself lol. But well.. they were the most unconventional couple i have to admit. Err HEM.

Been dancing with huimin! during dance sessions.. and on the mini disco night danced with a guy lol. Zhenyou laughed at me when i learnt all star with yanlong as my partner.. Whats so farnie huh. But didnt dance with yanlong dur disco night lar, haha. He must have been spinning another girl hoping and dreaming that girl was jojo.. heex. oops. Haas. Jiayou yanlong. Im sure jojo will be moved by ur sincerity. Haas. heck that guy who danced with her lar. who cares about him lol.

Guess thats about all. Made really nice friends.. esp ppl like joel and marilyn.. surprising cos they are both very ang moh.. haha. but well im not 100 percent chinese speaking either.. Hmms. looking forward to seeing them around.. or having an og outing.. haas. og 5 (O1) is impossible man.. there are really nice ppl but they are just not keen abt such things. I always kena pang seh... boohoo.

K box.. yet again..

2005-03-21T04:22:00.000-08:00

K box.. yet again..

going to kbox again today was a bad idea.. i really sang badly. Outrageous singing from horrible cheryl tan. Jiam you can puke all over me.. Jolene was good.. Glyn not bad.. Im so disappointed with myself.. shdnt have spent money to disgrace myself.. And I'm feeling a bit sick now. Everything is like hell. I don't like kbox anymore.. If I ever sing in the bathrroom the windows would probably break. Either becos of my zao xia or becos the neighbours will smash stuff.. to shut me up. It was the worst kbox session i ever had. And its all because of me. And the freaking cold room which contained the freaking awful-sounding me. Whatever. I don't feel like going there anymore.. Sick of hearing my own stupid voice.. Thanks ppl for tolerating with me today. oH BLEAH.

Huang Cheng Ye Yun 05

2005-03-19T19:16:00.000-08:00

Huang Cheng Ye Yun 05

about huang cheng.. i think they have some teething problems ba.
they are more daring than us in the sense that they attempted at more extreme perspectives and styles.

like the first and second one.
the first one.. audience will find that the pace is torturingly slow at first.. but i think the directors' motive is to hasten the rhythm as the show proceeds. becos u can hear the clock ticking faster.. and the change of lighting faster.

i like the style. but not the script. and i feel that the effects of the first ju4 were not bad, but the acting could not match up to it. so it feels pretty mismatched.

the second one.. sarcastic especially in the 'award ceremony' and the quick change of character.. juxtapositions.. the self-centered attitude city dwellers tend to have. Our failure to understand our closest kins. Neglect.
and how the lighting switches from a warm yellow. to a shady grey when the ah ma ends her life. I like the barney song.. Im am your family, therefore I am obliged to love you? A big question mark. Is this love? Or is there hidden agenda when you say 'I love you.'

3rd one, easy to digest and heartwarming. Close to heart. The simplest things in life can be the most valuable. There is a reason behind every cold, metal like face. nobody is truly cold-blooded.
Natural acting.. as compared to the first two.. perhaps the script plays a part too. Prpos and set may not be as good. But the actors are more natural. Of the three, I feel that it is most well-balanced. Suitable pace.

Sentosa mania with 05A7C

2005-03-15T18:32:00.000-08:00

Sentosa mania with 05A7C

As usual, we would call it a CT outing, but in actual fact it was merely a clique outing.. Thought i was going to be late but in fact tian and I were the most punctual.. Sat for so long that our butts went numb just waiting for the latecomers, lolz. But Nemo and Kelly's presence gave tian and I a reason to make ourselves scarce, haha. Kelly is really quite cute.. heex. And her craziness over certain things matches tian's.. hee.

Jueling(we miss u sia), Glyn, Xinyu,Yanlong,Jojo,SM,Tian2, Me, Zhenyou, Pris, Nemo& Kelly.. Hm did i miss out anyone? Still didn't get a chance to take neoprint with nemo and jueling.. and shimin!! But it seems that on monday we will go out again.. heex. To kbox!! But if everybody goes it wdnt be fun cuz.. Its just too many people.. and the satisfaction is usually inversely proportional to the number of singers.. hahaz.

Sentosa was fun.. haven't been there for ages! Tian2 ate an interesting nugget+egg mayo+mustard combo.. eeeks wonder how that will taste.. It was a pity that pris didn't bring her dear along.. Deprived us of the chance to tease her.. heex. We played in the water.. joj's beach ball was so inobedient.. kept making its way to the shore.. Tian2 and I swam in the salty seawater..(pukes!) and we lay in the area between the shore and the water.. The sensation of waves brushing against ur back was ticklish but nice after a while.. And listening to david's voice at the same time was simply heavenly.. haa.

The aftermath of this whole thing was no doubt red patches on my face.. signs of burnt skin.. Applied aloe vera gel last night. I hope the skin wun peel too much..

BYG oUTING.. Ogl workshop

2005-03-14T04:24:00.000-08:00

BYG oUTING.. Ogl workshop
Hm.. both were relatively fun.. but some components of the workshop were a bit dry but i guess thats always inevitable..
On saturday morning tian told me that tiffany didn't feel like turning up cos she was tired.. I guess it was fault on our part too cos we din collect the money from her either..

Kitson said that out of the three ju4 he feels that zhang lang mu nuu is the best.. In some aspects I agree that they performed really well.. But its a pity that the audience didn't appreciate it much.. shallow? Maybe. But I think ce yin and us also did pretty well.. I don't know.. Kitson seems to insist that we only did well only becos of the effects.. but this is not even a horror movie.. But it doesnt really matter ba. We were really doing very badly.. but there was tremendous improvement in the last few days.. This is not something an outsider(as in.. someone who doesnt belong to our grp at least) can visualise.. He says he wants to try out for role auditioning next year.. well. all the best fran..

Kbox!! Something I've missed out for at least 4 months.. Gosh.. Hahaz.. I already mentioned that Imma KBOX FREAK.. Most importantly.. Singing can help me to convey my emotions.. Whether or not the lyrics are applicable.. You must be in atmosphere of the song before you can sing it well.. And of course.. The techniques here and there.. Im actually surprised that I can do a bit of R&B.. Haha.. Lolz.. A bit only lar.. Im sad that I didn't get to try teresa tang .. and liang jingru.. and so many david and shin songs.. And liu zhong yi.. Wah... oNCE is really too insufficient for me..
Lolz.. i want to sing with my ct mates.. But.. there doesnt seem to be an opportunity at all.. I know alyy and jiam want to go again.. And zhenyou didn't have enough of singing either.. so most prob we will go again.. yay..

A little burnt today.. And momo lied!! He said council would teach us all star dance.. haha.. But it doesnt really matter.. Im already keeping my brain busy with traditional dance and summer sunshine.. Hm.. Not much to say today.. Except that I want to go k again!! Hahaz Siao za bo..

My fiery temper will land me in hell

2005-03-08T21:40:00.000-08:00

I shall ignore the title first and proceed with my narration of events related to bai yun gang.. During full dress rhrsal and on Saturday connie volunteered to aplly the body glitter on me. Amanda(or was it someone else) applied too much on my left arm and the two of them started to fuss around with spreading the glitter.. Honestly I felt harrassed. Lolz. Initially when I knew that a powder of some sort was going to be applied on me I thought the teacher was discriminating my skin colour. Lolz. I definitely don't look forward to being bleached. But it turned out to be that things were not the way I'd assumed. I AM sensitive.

In yest's entry I stopped at how I freaked out just before the performance. Im glad I didn't let that affect my performance too much. But I think I will always go into the changing rooms in LT4 with a heavy heart though. They said that last year something dirty was seen in one of the rooms. I broke down in that very room too. But thats irrelevant now. On saturday while I did scene 9 I did tiffany's laughter and indeed there was some response. Woohoo. (Don't mind me if I sound like a sick sadist here. Thats one of the objectives of the show) I really cried on saturday night after I started my 2nd round of hallucinations in Scene 9. My cries, screams, the baby's wails and the background music fit so beautifully. The music was extended, because somehow I manged to drag the scene a little longer. But it didn't seem like we were dragging it deliberately because everything came so naturally. I never knew impromptu could be so amazing. My last memory of impromptu was in theatre class with Mr Tang during sec3 eng elective. I still rmbr I did Iris for my monologue. It was terrible. Hahaz. My 'eye contact' with my imaginary friend was so bad that Mr Tang said he thought my friend was the height of a soft toy. Lolz. But I managed to remember all my lines and got a B. Well, I wasnt satisfied of course and really worked hard for my duologue. Heex.

When my show ended just before the interval I was so overwhelmed with relief and joy I hugged almost everyone.. Even my male lead whom Im always compelled to hug during the show. Haaz. And stinky zhenyou. (sorrie teddy) But tian2 say she will hold her breath befor she hug him.. lolz. And kim, my eccentric director, I honestly dunno how many girls I hugged.. My mum was really appalled when she knew that I hugged my director. Perhaps the makeup and his costume still puts most people off. And she said that she couldn't get out of the LT becos too many girls were crowding around him and all wanted to hug him. Pukes. She made it sound as if he is in popular demand. No way man. But he's a nice guy/gal for a friend. You either dislike him or accept him the way he is. I explained to my mum but apparently she couldn't quite accept the fact that we hug ppl after performances. Ppl referring to the crew you work with, not anybody in the audience, Mummy. Lolx.

As much as I want to blabber on and on about what happened, I know its time to let go. And look ahead. And stop procrastinating. And forget about ponning any lectures or tutorials. No more excuses. Its actually kinda weird now that I can go home early everyday becos I'm so accustomed to rehearsals. And I don't really like a super slack cca. Haha. Once a week is like rotting to me. Ok im exaggerating. Looking forward to ogl workshops (if i im selected that is) and O2. Anticipating work? Not quite. Heex.

Saw lynnette's project featuring cny celebrations in 2005. Im curious why the clips we've seen so far are all done in english though. But I'm certain the bai yun gang one will be done in mandarin. Haa. I would look like a demon on the tv screen. I didn't give a damn then, but Im starting to worry a bit.. I was basically blabbering away again.. I hope they don't edit everything. My speech was not even organized properly. And Im quite sure I spoke faster than required. Errm. Nvm. But the j2 called wanxin nodded her head. I don't think it will be too bad. The corniest thing was that i kept wanting to hold the mic in my hands. Lolz. The reporter's supposed to do that for me. Somehow it felt funny.

Today we had our inter-class frisbee match.. The battle of the 7Cs. They had more guys, as usual. We only had yiqin. I only remember that I ran a lot. And shouted a great deal. Which included cheering for our own team and scolding the other team. They were so feeble when they had to throw the frisbee to start the game but were so rough when they intercepted our frisbee. I played dirty after seeing that. I aimed their hands while they threw the frisbee so that the throw wouldn't be accurate. Ok. I have no sportsmanship too. Whats with me today. Ha. I know I offended some more people today. Why was I angry. Period? Maybe.

Went out with 05A7C today.. glyn, tian2, zhenyou, jolene, yanlong, xinyu. Hvanet gone out with nemo, pris, alyssa, weishi, lynette, nur aini before.. OG? Don't even feel like mentioning lar. Haha. I dun pin any hopes.. Took my first neo card with tian2 and it sucked.. The design was very common and tian2 spelt my name wrongly. Or rather we misunderstood the machine's functions. You never get anything good out of a 6 dollar neo card. Haaz. Had fun decorating our secind neo priint but the pictures were so pathetically small and the colour was so faded.. It was the first time I felt fair.. Lolz. I think jolene's face could practically reflect light.

Bai Yun Gang..

2005-03-07T05:16:00.000-08:00

Its actually kinda hard to believe that its actually over, after slogging so hard for more than two months. I'd shed tears (whether when im IN or OUT of the role) for bai yun gang and I've grown so much, not only as an actor but also as a person. I'm truly thankful towards Mr Tang, for making me know and love theatre; and Gao Laoshi, for exposing me to performing arts when I was still a primary school kid who was merely talkative and erm, attention grabbing sometimes. haa. Surprisingly, I havent changed much in that sense. I daresay I am becoming more insane by the year.. Coughs~

I miss many people, and many times Ive had in the past. But as what I had read in dezhi's blog earlier, we shouldn't be living in the past all the time and treasure the present instead, or we will find ourselves forever looking back and not enjoying every moment we experience to the fullest. I take this time now to type out what I've felt over these few days, before the feeling gets washed away with time, before I forget.

Friday. 4th march. Our first full dress +tech rehearsal. Went badly. Which was a blessing in disguise because we took note of our mistakes and avoided most of them on friday night. The most enjoyable thing on Friday night, was the screams I heard from the audience. Be it tiffany's eerie laughter, or my action of being grabbed on the leg; my nightmare scene and tiffany's 'tantrum' scene which freaked everybody out, including the props crew. Woohoo. Same applied for saturday. But the response from the audience was not as great. Which could have been Kenneth's method of gauging our standard. My poor tiffy creid after hearing his comment on us after our performance. I felt a tinge of disappointment. But I knew I improved in some parts of the show. I didn't let myself or the other actors of ''ni wen dao le ma'' down. That was my belief, and I stuck to it. Heex. Hush tiffy, one person's opinion does not represent the opinion of the majority. Theatre is really not about satisfying anyone, everyone. What matters most is that you must be true to yourself.

Friday was memorable becausemy nygh friends came. Jiexin, Xuetying, my dear little Joan and Mindy.. Cs didn't come, cos she had something on, and I well, I am disappointed. I don't know what she was busy with and I wished I asked her. All I said was, 'ok I know u are busy, its alright.' But in actual fact I don't know. Ok this is completely confusing. If u understand what I mean, good for you; but if you don't, too bad huh. Connie cried so hard on Friday. I think zhnag lang mu nuu didn't go very smoothly because there were some faults regarding the technical stuff. Thats really frustrating but nobody wished it to happen. The lighting and sound crew didn't have enough practice I guess. It was nobody's fault. Maybe the first two gros(mine and ceyin) took too much time fixing the tech stuff..

On saturday i brought honey! for everyone. Tiff fell sick.. But she had enough rest to do well on saturday night. In previous entries I mentioned that there was some enmity and competition between grps.. But Im really glad we did our makeup, finale, dining together. I genuinely felt it was 'wo men de baiyun gang' on those two days. Many thanks to xiu xiu, zihan, the amandaa, jiam(for styling my hair which went untidy after a few costume changes), he li, props crew for enduring my err hem temper, lighting sound crew, our entire cast, the audience regardless of what response you gave. Not forgetting biying, wan teng our ah sum, kenneth, kim, and evrybody inBai Yun Gang 2005 including all four teachers who made this thing possible. Love you all. Hahaz.

5 costume changes. within 8scenes. This is my newest record and I hope to break it someday. We were really on tenterhooks while I was changing backstage. If i can run at the same speed as I did backstage during my shuttle run, I'd never have got bronze becos of nearly flunking shuttle run. Lolx.

On saturday, 5-7 min before my perf started, I broke down. It started with Amanda telling me she felt really empty that day, which applied to me as well. Then tiffy went outside the room to watch ce yin. In LT4 u can actually see whats going on on stage from the top, along the corridor in between the two changing rooms. I dreamt on Friday night that while I was acting on saturday, someone stared down at me from the top when I looked up. It may not seem as scary to you. But I was really freaked out. I then went inside the changing room to tell the last grp not to look down at me, or any actor in our cast from the top, and I repeated my dream. While talking about it I broke down. And couldn't stop. Until Connie gave me a copy of the 'bo re bo luo mi duo xin' sutra with guan yin niang niang's portarit on the flip side did I feel more composed. I chanted the sutra twice and felt my breathing regain to the normal rate. My eyes were bloodshot. But I was fine when I was standing by at the wings. Much more nervous than friday though.

Shall stop here for the moment.

Deep Shit.:.In it together

2005-03-01T05:30:00.000-08:00

O's results are over. I didn't feel anything.. well. perhaps 'not much' would be more appropriate. If 8 points is the 'luck' that I am gifted with now, I would rather this luck be converted into other forms. Luck in bai yun gang, luck in other things. But I do know that I don not have the power to resist or question what I'm faced with at present.

Ive decided to stay on in NY. A foolish choice? Probably. But like Ian and Mr Tang says, truly living life is more important. Our production is going alright, except my group. We are really in a lot of trouble. The teachers can give us any amount of dressing downs, but internal problems are the most severe crises. Yenchun and I started brainstorming for tiffany's last scene, and Ng seems quite ok with it. What good does it do by sitting in a corner doing nothing except admiring urself in the mirror? Oh please. The mirror is not meant for that purpose lor. And. If you are sO capable, go ahead and direct and act simultaneously YOURSELF. Since we are so dispensable. And you feel so much agony being an actor, thinking others efforts don't count.. Oh bleah.

If none of us cared, I neednt have gone back to ny to rehearse. Amanda too. Xueying, Yenchun. Even boya. Think before u accuse anyone please. You may not remeber what you've said in that moment of anger, but the recipient's wound will not stop bleeding.

I went all out for the role today. At least I let go more in scene 9.

Im so sick and tired of seeing people making themself absent. for nothing. If u are sick, ok. But if it were other reasons, please. Its so sickening to hear excuses. U are crippling us by not showing ur face. We have no time, no energy at all to tolerate any foul attitude. Stop it. I really hate it. Why do things always go wrong at the crucial point? Will being scraped make you more happy? Fine, i sound too harsh. I really dont give a damn. Im going to burst.

Moment of truth.. comes tommorrow

2005-02-27T02:21:00.000-08:00

Its 27th February, and less than 20 hours away from the moment of truth. Something you and I have been anticipating yet dreading in a peculiar manner. What if my aggregate exceeds 20? Would prbably head staright to ngee an poly for mass communications, get myself a diploma but end up unemployed because of fierce competition and my unpleasant looks. NIE. Primary school chinese teacher. Oh man. Spare me. There are still so many other things I want to learn and experience. Borderline marks like 9 used to bother me. Nanyang or Dream jc- Hwa Chong. Now im being much more pessimistic but focused. As long as Im good enuff to remain in Nanyang, I'm satisfied. If Im eligible for scholarships, that would be even better. grins~

Read dezhi's blog yest, but i havent got to the important section. He was really sarcastic in his comment though, but its alright. No names mentioned. Moreover I was the culprit. And I destroyed that day for him.

Tian tian said I always look like a murderer when I'm facing insomnia in the student lounge. Wow. I didn't know my split personality is like that. Lol. These days hafiz and gang dun even seem to turn up at the SL. I guess its no longer conducive for sleeping anymore. The j1s, esp some rowdy guys are making the place hell. Now i finally understand how it was like for those who want to study or revise in 402 while there are 8 grps pf bridge players. 32 against 4. Oooh lalah. How peaceful and quiet. I miss Bridge. I miss nanyang. I miss joan and xueying and tezuka.. And jiexin and jingshan. In the midst of rehearsals day by day, they seem to be drifting away from me, completely out of reach.

Its slacking day today. Amazingly I managed to spend the day away without exactly doing anything constructive. How I wished I could be somewhere enjoying myself just before 28th february, 2pm, 2005. Scene 9 has been pretty challenging, even fun. But its not fun to act it out in NYGH hall after 2pm. Or even witness it. The latter may be inevitable though. Please watch over me, Bodhisttava. I know you're looking.

Chiam has been looking so listless. I can only see pain on her face. She also seems to have lost weight. I don't even know if I should approach her to say hi. Maybe i should, one of these days. I must. Really hope to see her lively and noisy self again. She can laugh at my new hair again. And again. I wouldn't mind, really. Take care chiam. Don't look so sad.

Wrote letters to pris, tian tian, amanda and siying today. Mummy was curious who im writing them to. Lolz. As if I would be whispering sweet nothings to a guy?! She seemed to be suspecting that. Oh what crap. Even though I like someone now but its only a very faint feeling. I know it will and it better, go away fast. Shoo. Out you go.

Drastic changes..

2005-02-26T05:10:00.000-08:00

Just in the last post i mentioned that i don't talk to the guy who hit me but now i guess we are on talking terms.. Im glad i put the matter aside.. Its not nice to avoid a friend just before this first three mths end.. Because if I dao him all the time, I wouldnt feel good after the three mths end, esp if he's leaving or I am.

But im not intending to leave even though hwa chong used to be my dream jc. It may still be, but dreams don't always become reality. Maybe its wiser to allow this dream to remain as it was, rather than let reality bite. Hc drama camp gave me a teeny bit of sense of belonging towards hwa chong, but bai yun gang and all the friends I made during and after Zion 2005 made me feel much more attached to nyjc. I wouldn't forget though, how we (huang cheng members and fellow campers) sang 'wo yao chang yi shou hua chu de ge' together.. Sadly my memory of this camp was slightly corrupted by a junior's flirting with a hwa chong-ian.. haaz The way i sang 'ktv' with a broomstick as a mic was totally hilarious as well.. Cs even took a picture of that.. And her mum commented that 'I don't like her' when she saw my pict.. I really looked like some charcoal figurine then. Lolz.

I mentioned earlier that we were in big trouble. Indeed we were. On monday afternn three tchers came to our room and gave us a great big scolding. Things like we should go and die, we were shameless and we were the lousiest on earth were all shot at us. Ng said ce yin was worth 5.60, Zhang1 lang2 mu nuu worth 5bucks. What about us then? We weren't even worth a dollar! Wow. Thats a good bargain. I really wonder how houshun felt at that time. And xueying. I tried to use zhijia's tactic of stoning while they were #%$7*, but when they said something really nasty i stared back at them.. Really couldn't help it.. Guess thats the way I am, lol.

But after the lecture they still gave us assistance and Ng gave us some ideas about tiffany's role and we worked on it, pushing it further to create a more impactful effect. Some of my movements are also better.. Hand no longer locked permanently to the waist as they were in the beginning.

Then came even worse news. One of our actors couldnt continue acting. Its thursday, 24th february and we have to scrape a role. The actor offended the teachers real bad.. We were asked not to spread the issue around. But one teacher who did not know how to practise what he/she preach acted the entire incident out to one(or was it all? omg.) of his classes, depicting the actor's actions vividly to her/his students. He/ She even ended the play off by staring at one student who was from the same secondary school as the actor who had to be scraped. Wth.
At first they wanted a public apology from the actor. Given the actor's character and pride, It was mission impossible.

As the actual date of the performance draws near, our sense of urgency increased.. Our director is now adopting a more serious attitude towards our rehearsals. Even though there is less laughter and play, the good thing about it is that our productivity shot up. In any case, its quite impossible to be bored out during the rehearsals as our director still jokes around when appropriate..

Today. Went to cofb to apply for singpass. Was appalled by the extremely long queue extending from the interior to the exterior of the building. Screams* I decided to head towards toa payoh west cc with an og friend.. waited for my friend for some time.. rrgh.. But when we reached there it was done in a jiffy. Though we are so reliant on machines and technology now, I still don't quite trust em. Heex.

Boya didnt come to rehearsal again. Said he was sick. Our sm and director already gave him a day off to go out with his.. gf? yesterday.. thot she is supposed to be in china. Shrugs. Mebe the friend who went with him was not his gf.. Our director gave him some grace.. he was allowed to come later than the rest of us.. But he refused.. sigh. Is his absence becos of the actor who got scraped? I truely hope not..

Im tired.. It seems that this post is exceptionally long.. And i seem to have more to say but oh well. I have nothing to say about the results. What will come has to come. We have no power to resist it.. Yawns*

what its like.. when everthing bad occurs

2005-02-20T01:11:00.000-08:00

Its a long time since i last updated this blog.. and i did a couple of changes to the blog.. tho i really have no idea how to shift the positions of some stuff..
As usual.. i spent valentine's day without a valentine, lol. But thats not even the bad part.. On v day in the student lounge i was doing the finishing touches of the accssories.. And by that time i was damn beat. When i was persuading an og friend to buy the decorated test tubes somehow something he said made me hit his back..(which is something i do really often recently) But this time it was different. he hit me back real hard. Whether it was the shock or the pain, or merely my hypersensitivity, i broke into tears just like that. Gosh. I wish i didnt. He was so taken aback and i didnt even want to talk to him after that. I could feel one part of my back still stinging, and the tears still alive in my eyes.

When i see him now i either look away, or just keep silent. The 'hi' just never comes out. Or maybe it never will. I honestly dont know. On msn however its always easier to communicate. The internet creates a less sensitive space for chatting.
Was it from then that i became very vulnerable to what others said, or is it the continuous rehearsing that drains my energy day by day? Perhaps the latter. I don't really take the matter to heart anymore. Its over anyway. On friday i realized i wronged dezhi all along of badmouthing my grp. Again i cried. Didnt yizhen say that dezhi made nasty comments? Or did i accuse him of what he did not do?! Then the tcher ic reprimanded dezhi's grp, warning them not to be too complacent and critical. Maybe this little lecture of his was indirectly triggered off by me. By me. yes me. I didnt know. I never knew. But its all too late.

On thursday. The four tchers came, claiming that they want to be FAIR by taking a look at our performance before they decide to change our status. The moment houshun said:even if u want to see how we fare, i really have nothing to show you; came the harsh fact that the title of 'finale' was never meant to be ours. SOmebody was so happy to hear that, eager to change our status into a less important one, and left. finally. just GET LOST, for goodness sake. I really feel like smacking your terminally ugly and flat face.

On tuesday, we went on ufm 100.3. It was quite fun, other than one saddening fact which i shall not mention. Xiaoming wasnt used to saying ah beng, and kept saying it wrongly. But it doesnt matter at all. I hope the interview boosted our image though.

Yesterday. Our very first full dress rhrsal at LT4. I screwed it all up. Costume change was relatively fast enuf. But i laughed during the second last scene. Then i was shot down by my sm, our president and well, someone else. You can just say my name out, I wdnt mind. I know i was in the wrong. Surprisingly you were not sarcastic enuff for me. The tears came again. But never would i allow them to flow in front of those ppl.

Yeah. things really sux. The whole week sux big time. Mebe i sux big time too. I think i let my director, sm, asm, the other actors down. They did great. I foiled things. And i brought shame to my grp. Which is already in jeopardy and deep shit.

just another day.

2005-02-12T03:47:00.000-08:00

Its saturday.. and the first rehearsal we have after the cny break.. Ng threatens that we may be shifted to the 2nd show instead of the finale. And naturally if this really occurs zhang lang mu nuu will replace us as finale. Hmph. So much for badmouthing ppl. Sometimes i find bai yun gang1 too competitive. We really don't function like a family. But i fine with ce yin. At least they don't bite.

I hope we remain as the finale. I don't want to be critical but i think zhang lang mu nuu's theme is a bit cliche. However their mode of presentation is quite alright. I like the flashback+freeze scene. They are good. But that really doesnt give them the liberty to criticize any other actors, directors or SMs. What's the point. You are merely tarnishing bai yun gang's reputation as a whole. Maybe its human nature to criticize. At least i'm like that myself. But please dun wash dirty linen in public. It just gives a very negative portrayal.

Enough of my grumbling.. Today tian tian and i went far east to shop.. for the bazaar materials. The far east accessory making shop is not bad. Has some very exquisite stuff. And the boss gave me a discount on the swarovski crystals. Yipee! Later im going to do my lep hw, and then get cracking on the accessory making .. I think i screwed up my fable presentation. If you can call it one. My explanation of the moral of the fable was.. a little off. But at least ms tan cy didnt frown. I mean the 100%kinda frown. That kinda expression can be scary. You feel uncertain of yourself after seeing that. You'll probably be thinking. Gosh did she think i was bullshitting so she's frowning?! Hahaz.

Hope we sell lotsa stuff and make lotsa profits on v-day.. for the ny pocket money fund. Heex.

new blog on a new day

2005-02-11T21:07:00.000-08:00

Yay! i finally started another blog.. But this time round i must be consistent or else it would never actually work out the way it should. My short term memory caused me to lose track of the previous account.. so here's a new one to replace tt.

Went connie's hse to bai4 nian2 today.. And i was like so piggy.. eating this and that..lol. And i tried playing real mahjong for err hem the first time today.. well it wasnt very enjoyable because of the players.. couple of strangers which i shall not comment much on lest i blow it up too big.. yepz. But the enjoyable part was during the last game i won!! yipee~ i guess its not too bad..
But the very maloo thing was.. actually i did a lot of maloo stuff tt simply showed that i didnt know much abt mahjong.. lol. I mistook yi1 suo4 for a hua1 pai2.. watever.. hahaz they seriously look deceiving at the first glance.. to me at least. Smokey-eyed.

Tomorrow we're having a full run.. what should i say to that. I should really draw scene 5 out.. i lost the old copy.. sigh. what a waste. V-day is our bazaar day as well.. made 6 pieces of accessories so far.. tmr i'll hafta buy the materials again and chiong the accessory making dur the weekend~ hope everything turns well.. be it tmr or monday.. As lindo says: now you make me happy. Heex. Joy luck club fever. So long. Hope ter see xinyu's blog real soon..we promised to start our new blogs today..